permission to be deranged*

*not derogatory

 Journaling only started to really make sense to me when I started writing as if nobody was going to come and read it, grade it, give me feedback, or hold me accountable in any way. Journaling only really started to make sense to me when I would write how I felt at that moment and not the most clear recount of the situation.

It dawned on me recently that the same critique people have against personality testing/typing, they have against journalling. They say that self-reporting is flawed because we tend to look at our behaviour, traits, characteristics and experiences in an aspirational way, that prioritises our intention over the “truth” (shared, agreed reality).

I agree that it can be, but, you can also consciously attempt to approach it differently. You could cultivate a place that only centres yourself. Selfishly. On purpose. Giving breath and life to thoughts that you would naturally suppress for fear of being challenged on them. Then using the rest of your energy to be a level-headed person IRL.

Recently I found myself questioning what the actual point of self-awareness is for me.

• To understand the world around me?

• To connect with people more deeply?

• To know myself?

The more I word-vomited, the more I realised I didn’t actually know. I can conceptually say I use it as a tool for a specific outcome, but can just as quickly find the contradiction in my intent.

Through journalling (maybe we need a better word for this because every time I say it, I feel an eye roll coming on. Sounds so pretentious. We can unpack this later. Or never).

Through writing down my thoughts, I noticed that I was constantly trying to be objective and level-headed. Trying to document from a perspective that would let me (Lillian Of The Past, the invisible spectator, the aliens, my inner angel, my inner demon, my ancestors and any other entities watching) know that I'm being self-aware. Considering that maybe I am wrong and maybe there's a different way my experience could be perceived. The performance never wanes! Even in private moments.

How did self-awareness evolve into invalidating how I feel? Another epiphany reveals itself! Am I becoming aware of how I am being aware? Meta.

What about I write how I feel before I write how I think?

And in doing that, I create a place that’s actually made for me. Not just the most acceptable and palatable version of myself, but for the layers. The onion and apple core of my being.

Approaching it as a restorative practice, not a punitive one. Not performatively restorative, but actually rehabilitative and rejuvenating. My place to be deranged in order to eventually be more sane.

Acknowledging the full spectrum of existing, not just the pretty bits. The stuff that would send a Victorian child into a coma. The stuff that would have me stoned and burned at the stake. When each page contradicts the last and every admission of fault is countered by a declaration of being perfect.

That’s where we really start cooking.

What would it look like to trust yourself as the primary and most reliable narrator of your life?

Side note.

I recently remembered the children’s book/song We’re Going On A Bear Hunt, and it’s quickly become my new life’s philosophy.

We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We have to go through it.

It’s about a family who strangely decide to go looking for a bear (???), and end up coming across heaps of obstacles, including a river, a snowstorm, and a muddy swamp and realise if they want to actually get to the bear, these hurdles are an unavoidable part of the process.

They also make a point to declare they’re not scared every time they hit a roadblock (even though they become more fearful every time they do), because they have every tool they need to proceed – like binoculars. Eventually, they find the bear and decide they probably don’t want to go searching for one again.

Synopsis aside, it’s the bit about going through it that really resonates. Dodging the obstacles only slows you down from getting to the thing you want. And the difficult journey only seems worth it if you know what your goal is.